A Curmudgeon's Guide to 2011
At the start of every year, someone writes an article on the 100 tips that will make this the best year of your life. Well, here are some "bright" ideas that really bug me! Why? Because this list has no imagination! No interest! It's so-o-o boring! And not even right!
I won't bore you with the entire list of 100 tips, so here are just a few that really get my goat. (And why is something always getting my goat? I don't even have a goat! Why doesn't it get something of value, instead, like my money or my books? What is it with goats, anyway?)
Crappy Tips for 2011:
Know that you have a mission. What? Fly over Berlin and bomb the hell out of everyone? Convert all heathens to GaGaism? Promote US foreign policy? That's my job. But what is my "mission"? Really...are we that zealous? Does a toilet paper manufacturer have a mission? Isn't it just about making and selling toilet paper? I hope its managers aren't trying to craft its "mission."
Surround yourself with people who are on the same page. How about surround yourself with people who don't use tired cliches? Unless you always think in tired cliches. Then, of course, by all means, let's have all of you "on the same page." Naturally, we don't want to hear contrarian ideas, especially when we are the managers in charge and our ideas smell so sweet.
Seek out mentors who can inspire your path. Unless they are all on the same page. Then how can they inspire me? Oh, I get it...my own ideas that I already know will inspire me...
Clarify what your skills are worth. Ummmm...ok...a million dollars an hour. Now what? So much for this great tip.
Reinvent yourself. What a bunch of hooey! What am I now? Ah, I know, a brilliant heretical iconoclast who despises bureaucracies. Well, just how is that going to help me now? And how much of this "reinvention" is nothing more than hyperbole feeding my overinflated ego?
Think of yourself as a corporation. Right! Where are my subsidies, my corporate tax preferences, my golden parachute fat annual bonuses for my CEO (namely, me)?
Eliminate distractions. Ok. I quit my job! That's my biggest distraction. Now what? Any more bright ideas?
Grow your focus. Grow? I grow a beard. Does he mean I should expand my company's range of products? Expand my sphere of responsibility? Then, dammit, say it!! Don't hide behind meaningless metaphors that pass for everyday business speech!
Under-promise and over-deliver. Oh, this is good. Ok. I promise to show up for work sometime tomorrow. You will, of course, be grateful for anything else and think I am a whiz. I don't need this kind of insipid advice.
Take a leap of faith. This is also tossed out in the same breath as "plan carefully and in detail." Ok, so I carefully plan to take a leap of faith. Does this mean that, in fact, I haven't planned in detail well enough?
Keep your plans to yourself. Exactly how is my "on the same page" team supposed to know what I want? Don't I get to tell someone, like my assistants, what I have in mind? Isn't that part of being a manager?
Take time to smell the roses. Oh, gawd, hep me! Hep me!! Now we are smelling roses, too? Can it get any more ordinary and conventional and cliche-ridden than this?
Be a leader. Sure, as long as I keep my plans to myself and don't tell anyone what I want to do.
Be authentic. Puke!! What the hell does this mean? Authentic! A buzz-word from the 60s that has absolutely no meaning. I once questioned a person's poorly framed ideas, and he was hurt because I had challenged his "authenticity." I guess this means I can say any drivel I want because it's mine, and tomorrow I can change it completely. Or not...because I have no idea what this means but I am "authentic."
Remember that you are the creator of your destiny. Aha...except when I am working for a corporation, have a mortgage, car payments, and a family to raise. Then I am working for the Man and the Bank and they are in charge. I am not in Bali working on the great American novel, that's for sure. So much for my destiny. What a bunch of empty hooey!
Apply more passion to everything that you do. In other words, work your butt off even more than you do now and don't expect to be rewarded for it.
Define your vision. Sure. I am a bureaucrat...I have a vision? Ok, no war. Peace. Love. Good luck with that, asshole.
Remember that perseverance is king. But you also tell me to know my limits. Does this mean to persevere up to my limits and then quit?
Think outside the box. I wondered how long it would be before we came to this one. Let me say this...anyone who says "think outside the box" clearly does not! They are not original or creative. They are repetitive, lame, and unimaginative.
Don't follow the herd. Ok. Hey, where are all the people who are not following the herd, because I want to follow them.
Carve out your own niche. Aha....sure. Hey, Ambassador, I want a niche. "But, you have a job description, and you are the environmenal officer." Yeah, I know that, but I want a niche. Can I also do leap frog contests?
Trust your instincts. Uh huh. Ok, I guess I will be going home at 2 PM every day from now on.
Know your worth. Like I said...about a million dollars an hour. So, what now?
Follow your bliss. I hate this one! What a stupid piece of advice. My bliss is lying on the couch all day engaged in non-stop reading. How is that going to help me earn a living or be a better "employee"? Most of the people in the world are doing jobs they don't really like, because that's how it is. Oh, I'm unemployed, and you have a job washing dishes? I'm sorry, but that's not really my bliss. Do you have an opening for a movie star?
Remember that failure is not a option. Oh, right. Unless I am also supposed to know my limitations, and also learn how to walk away when in doubt. So which is it?
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